the whales in my dreams

image from here

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. It's strange.
I think my brain has been working overtime.

In one, I was in this different world, it was the same and yet not the same as our reality. There was a strangeness in the air. There were groups of people including myself huddling on top of a tall rock in the middle of the ocean. Huge Orca Whales were jumping up and crashing onto the rock, trying to snap us up in their ginormous jaws. Some people were snatched away by the whales, but I was not. It was incredibly terrifying and exhilarating.

I have a strange theory about this dream.

You see, I love whales, they are one of my favorite animals, so it is strange I would have a dream about being terrified by whales.

I think that maybe my dream was about my life right now. There are things like going to college, opening up, and being an adult that I want to enjoy (the whales) but I am also very scared about going forth with these things (the whales attacking me). I also have no choice but to move forward, I have nowhere to run (the rock in the middle of the ocean). The rest of my graduating class is also probably experiencing similar feelings of excitement and fear (the other people on the rock); some people are crushed by this pressure (the people snatched up by whales) and others are not.

So what do you think?
Is this what my dream was telling me?
=)

The End

image from here

LOST. The End. And so we've come full circle, ending similarly to the way we began; Jack's eyes close, it is done. The four of us, huddled around the widescreen tv, wipe our drenched faces and cling to eachother. This night does not simply mark the ending of  a great show on television; it is the crumbling of a family tradition, a dissolving of the only bond of its kind that we share together. Once a week, for six years, we gathered for this event only. Two parties a year - one for the premiere, one for the finale. We stayed up late countless nights, debating together, discussing, theorizing. We poured over the official magazine, coveted each season's boxed set, searched websites for leaked info and spoilers. We shared so many LOST moments as a family - tears spilled over our cheeks at tender moments, screams ripped from our throats at various shocks, fists were pumped in the air at victories, and excessive line repeating never ceased. For a third of my life LOST gave my family an excuse to connect and share when nothing else seemed to keep us together. We were able to empathize with our favorite characters, and as a result became more human through watching their familiar pain. LOST has done something for us that is hard for a show to do, and that is change our lives. There will never be another LOST in my heart or the hearts of my family members. Goodbye. The end.

BOOM.

bones

*quote from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

Growing up won't bring us down.

Adultitis Escape Plan: Chickens!! :D

Adultitis: Challenge #1

image from here

So. The first Adultitis Challenge is to immerse yourself for at least 15 minutes in something you know nothing about. What did I choose to immerse myself in?? CHICKENS of course! ("of course"?! O_O;) I grabbed Keep Chickens - which I'd bought on a whim in an adorable little Ely bookstore awhile ago - and started reading.

I learned about how small flocks of chickens are actually pretty easy to take care of once you've got the system down. they don't need to be bathed or walked like dogs do, and all they need is chicken feed, a coop with places to perch and lay eggs, and a chicken run for them to strut around in. It's also important to make sure you don't have just one solo chicken though, because chickens are social and wil get lonely. About three chickens is enough for a minimum.

Chickens will lay about an egg a day, with or without a rooster; the difference is that when there is a rooster, there will be a little chick inside the egg, and if there is no rooster, it'll be an egg for eating. Roosters are not typically allowed to be kept in cities because they cockadoodledoo ALL THE TIME, not just in the morning!!

One difficulty with keeping chickens is not a problem with the chickens themselves, but with another animal: rats. Rats love to eat chicken feed and will constantly try to dig tunnels up into the chicken coop to get into it. Pretty much the only solution is to make a box with poison inside and a rat-sized hole, and leave that in the coop for the rat to die in. I find this kind of unsettling - I know people might think rats are "creepy" or "gross", but I think they deserve to live! If I ever have chickens I'll find some other way to remove the rats without killing them :)

On a final note, I think keeping chickens sounds fun and would like to try it! I hope to have experience with keeping all sorts of animals near me in the future~

Naked Truth

Naked, in front of the mirror
I see my scars -
my histroy, my feelings -
Branded into my skin

This one here - hopelessness
This one - fear
Here and here -
Uncertainty and loneliness

I trace them all carefully
Because I don't want to forget.
Even if there is still shame
My mistakes are a roadmap,
Etched across my pale skin

A map I will follow
To a future where I will no longer need
To cut roadblocks and detours
Into my body to remember them

image from here

speak to me

i wish the world spoke my language.
that is, i wish there were more
idle silences, like
honey seeping over tastebuds
sincere words, like
murmurs of water beneath the desert
gentle voices, like
a breath upon a dandelion.
no one would waste sweet air
on meaningless chatter.
there are so many useless words
clogging the arteries of the world's heart.
so many ugly words.
such things are not needed
such sounds should not have to be heard.
the sounds of this world
ehoe in and out and around us
it becomes so difficult
to seperate ourselves from the noise.
what is me and what is only the hum of the outside?
i filter.
without - how could i? stay sane.
the world is buzzing with things to say
so many useless things which mean nothing at all
how can we find meaning?
extract the lovely from the din, and leave the rest
to the world's eager ears. let them be fools.
let them babble on in ways i don't understand.
speak beautifully, filter the sounds of reality.
dream in flower-colored language,
bees dancing on my tongue.

inspired by this poem here

image from here

The Canvas That Is Me

Deadpan, uncaring, indifferent

These are the masks that hide

a blazing sunburst of emotions.

Color me alive

I beg the muse,

with red in my veins

and blue in my eyes.

Paint the hues of humanity

with delicate compassion,

Don't dash my warm-toned heart

with purple-bruising disdain -

Or worse -
don't leave me a blank page
to endlessly echo my own emptiness.

images found here

droplets of self

image found here

I wish I weren't so trapped in this flesh casing.

I wish I were rather,
an organically flowing form, like water -
or like air.
God, how amazing it must feel -!
to spread into shapeless backbend, boundaryless -
edgeless as eternity,
No solid requirements or rigid containers
to pour into -
unnaturally, forcibly,
trying in vain to fit the mold.
Let me instead splash around that mold,
dribbling spontaneously in branches of
liquid ambition,
until all doubt is washed away,
until all my streams of indecision unite,
under one immense body.

for you

am i worth it?
please listen to me because i am
desperately
trying to show you something,
i'm trying to stay alive.
this poem is my heart breaking on paper
and i want you to have it.

must be the weather.

i've never been "the usual",
i've always been a horse of a different color.
more of an entirely different species, really

sometime i wonder "am i real?" perhaps this is all

just a complicated dream. what then, is anything worth, is anything for

does anything in the world matter anymore...?

but

the sunflowers bloom in the corner of my eyes

and songs are being sung without any words at all

and sometimes things are so beautiful i want to cry
and so there must be
a reason. for all.... all of this

for all of you and you and you

out there, living, breathing, being, falling down
and scraping your knees and mother
picking you up and slapping on a band aid cos
hey, buck up kid, no one ever said this was gonna be a cakewalk.
and tears sometimes too; when i want to hold you so bad that
my fingers shudder at the emptiness
and my dreams make reality ache - and -and -

i can't help but just feel so useless in the rain.

---

erratic freeverse in attempts to make the shadows lift.

it isn't working

image from here

from the dragon

Dear Prince of Poetry,

How cruel you are to tempt me with your regal face. For I am not some fair maiden, I am an immense disgusting dragon. And a dragon may never court a prince, no matter how much it may wish to, it simply goes against the laws of nature. A dragon is doomed to be forever dark and grotesque, hated and feared by most, while you - sweet prince - will be forever etched in my memory as the handsomest of them all, and I do not need a magic mirror to tell me that. Precious wishes, my most lovely. It is my deepest hope that your light is preserved.

Forever love,

the Dragon of Despair

the ugly duckling

Image from here

It doesn't matter how many tricks or smoke and mirrors are used on me

at the end of the day I'm still the ugly duckling in my heart

)=

This is me.

Image found here

I'm the Monster

Self explanatory. Image found here.

My Top Five...

...Wants of all time.

The list hath been the same since it was decided.

:.:*:.:*:.:*I wish for...*:.:*:.:*:.:

(in no particular order)

[1] To own a dog
[2] To be able to create art/writing as an adult
[3] To find love
[4] To never lose the bond with my sister
[5] To always do work that I love

the Truth

To: Tarri

 

I've been bad.

I made a terrible mistake. I hurt my angel.

I wounded mercilessly with selfish, selfish words. How human of me.

I hate that. I am so. And yet I can't. Stop it.

[Just stop]

I hurt her. I hurt HER. How could I?

My baby, my princess, my darling. And yet, and yet -

The holes in my soul are the words I said to her.

What a foolish, pitiful being that said those things.

How desperate, small, cruel.

My dear,

You had been led

To believe I didn't care.

The fault is my own.

I've ignored

Taken advantage of

Taken for granted

Forgotten to cherish

the precious being that is you

We exist in a different world, you and I,

We're not quite like the rest of them.

We are together, always (itsumo)
And so,

I love you
I'm sorry.

Trust

image found here

Trust: one of the most difficult tasks for human beings to master. Maybe for some people trust comes naturally, or to some it might even seem ridiculous of me to suggest that it doesn't, but for me being asked to trust someone is like being asked to stick my hand through the bars of a lion's cage. Um, NO THANKS, I'd rather keep my appendages please.

The truth of the matter is - trust can be tricky because trusting involves one key ingredient that I (and others?) are most reluctant to provide: vulnerability. To put full trust in someone is to allow them to have power over you; but when you are open (aka vulnerable), you make space for trust to move in. To allow others to see your small, cracked, imperfect, untamed sides is to trust them enough that they won't kick you when you’re down, won't take advantage of your weaknesses.

What makes this essential vulnerability so difficult for me personally is that I already feel vulnerable just existing in the presence of other people. I squirm under their gazes, tremble at any hint of nearness, shudder at thoughts of how they could hurt me. Allowing trust to slip in is a terrifying objective, I'd feel like a baby wandering into a cave of hungry wolves.

It takes so much courage to remove the layers of strength we all hide behind, but revealing our true selves to others is truly what trust is all about. If we do allow others behind our false guards, it could be an extremely rewarding experience, but we could also get hurt. Sometimes both.

But I want to believe that the times people come through for me when I open up outweigh the times when I am hurt or let down. I'd like to believe that trusting and being open, surrendered, is the best way to live. I want to let go of all the fears I have that keep me from being who I actually am. I want to learn to trust.