for you

am i worth it?
please listen to me because i am
desperately
trying to show you something,
i'm trying to stay alive.
this poem is my heart breaking on paper
and i want you to have it.

must be the weather.

i've never been "the usual",
i've always been a horse of a different color.
more of an entirely different species, really

sometime i wonder "am i real?" perhaps this is all

just a complicated dream. what then, is anything worth, is anything for

does anything in the world matter anymore...?

but

the sunflowers bloom in the corner of my eyes

and songs are being sung without any words at all

and sometimes things are so beautiful i want to cry
and so there must be
a reason. for all.... all of this

for all of you and you and you

out there, living, breathing, being, falling down
and scraping your knees and mother
picking you up and slapping on a band aid cos
hey, buck up kid, no one ever said this was gonna be a cakewalk.
and tears sometimes too; when i want to hold you so bad that
my fingers shudder at the emptiness
and my dreams make reality ache - and -and -

i can't help but just feel so useless in the rain.

---

erratic freeverse in attempts to make the shadows lift.

it isn't working

image from here

Let's - !!

Let's move
Like the beings we were meant to be
Brought up from the dust of the earth
Voyaging the sea

Let's rise
From the depths of our tragic separation
Divided by the physical
Smash the discrimination

Let's sing
Unrestrained from the bottom of our souls
Uncensored, undisturbed
Like the chickadees and orioles

Let's cry
For all the hurt, all the suffering, the pain
All the widows, the terminal
The homeless in the rain

Let's breathe
A sigh of relief, a breath of fresh air
Feeling free as a breeze
And let down our hair

Let's love
With feeling that's genuine and pure
Care about one another
Soothe, comfort, and assure

Let's try
To do everything in the world
That we possibly can
To improve this life for every woman and man

from the dragon

Dear Prince of Poetry,

How cruel you are to tempt me with your regal face. For I am not some fair maiden, I am an immense disgusting dragon. And a dragon may never court a prince, no matter how much it may wish to, it simply goes against the laws of nature. A dragon is doomed to be forever dark and grotesque, hated and feared by most, while you - sweet prince - will be forever etched in my memory as the handsomest of them all, and I do not need a magic mirror to tell me that. Precious wishes, my most lovely. It is my deepest hope that your light is preserved.

Forever love,

the Dragon of Despair

the ugly duckling

Image from here

It doesn't matter how many tricks or smoke and mirrors are used on me

at the end of the day I'm still the ugly duckling in my heart

)=

This is me.

Image found here

I'm the Monster

Self explanatory. Image found here.

Prompt: The Monster Ate It

Title: the Monster Ate It
Chapters: Oneshot
Rating: G (?)
Warnings: Crossdressing
Genre: Romance
Pairing(s): Reita x Uruha (the GazettE)
Summary: Uruha's got stage fright, can Reita help??
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, however all characters therein are living people and owned by themselves
Author's Note: I have a big grudge against typos and mispellings so let me know if you spot any!! =)
Cross posted: coming soon to LJ

*Note's on the names (for non-jrock fans):
Uruha = Kouyou, Shima
Reita = Ue-chan, Akira

Uruha paced the dark hallway, a tangled jumble of nerves wrapped in female clothes. His amber eyes glinted with fear beneath the heavy smudges of makeup covering his eyelids.

"Oi! Shima!" Reita called out the backstage entrance, searching for the missing lead guitarist.

Uruha looked up at Reita, and at once the bassist knew. Of course he knew. Reita had seen that same look many times through the years - the beginning day of soccer tryouts when he'd first met Uruha, the time when Uruha had climbed too far up the tree in his backyard and couldn't get down, the day before the middle school dance when Uruha wanted to ask his first crush out... Reita had seen an identical look on Uruha's face all of those times and many more.

"I just need a minute-"

"Shima-"

"Ue-chan, please."

Reita sighed and came the rest of the way out the door and into the alley. Uruha turned away as Reita approached him; his fearful eyes shone dully from the single weak light flickering near the door.

"Stage fright is normal, Shima," Reita soothed.

Uruha said nothing and crossed his arms over themselves, hugging himself in the chill of the night.

"Kouyou, it's not like you're going to be alone out there."

"It's not that." Uruha deadpanned.

"Then tell me."

"You wouldn't understand."

Reita laughed. "Who do you think you're talking to?"

Uruha's lips twitched into a split-second grin.

"Come on," Reita said, laying his hand on Uruha's shoulder, "don't make me take the monster out."

Uruha mock-glared, "don't you dare!!"

"Too late~!" Reita sang. He attacked Uruha's sides with merciless enjoyment, tickling the sensitive guitarist into a whimpering frenzy.

"Ue- Ue - AKIRA! I give! I give!" Uruha collapsed against the brick wall, panting. "You jerk."

Reita grinned proudly. "Don't blame me, it was the monster." He leaned down and extended hand, helping Uruha up. "Ready?"

Uruha took Reita's hand. "...Yeah."

"Yeah? You're good now? What happened to your stage fright or whatever it was?"

Uruha smiled secretly, not releasing Reita's hand once he'd helped him up. He pulled them towards the door. "The monster ate it."

You are M a g i c

You are m a g i c

Don't think for one second that you aren't

Darling you s h i n e with l i g h t s you don't even know you have

B e l i e v e in your inner brightness

It will be your g u i d i n g light

When darkness comes - and yes, it will come,

Keep your g l o w alive

And save your s o u l

My Top Five...

...Wants of all time.

The list hath been the same since it was decided.

:.:*:.:*:.:*I wish for...*:.:*:.:*:.:

(in no particular order)

[1] To own a dog
[2] To be able to create art/writing as an adult
[3] To find love
[4] To never lose the bond with my sister
[5] To always do work that I love

the Truth

To: Tarri

 

I've been bad.

I made a terrible mistake. I hurt my angel.

I wounded mercilessly with selfish, selfish words. How human of me.

I hate that. I am so. And yet I can't. Stop it.

[Just stop]

I hurt her. I hurt HER. How could I?

My baby, my princess, my darling. And yet, and yet -

The holes in my soul are the words I said to her.

What a foolish, pitiful being that said those things.

How desperate, small, cruel.

My dear,

You had been led

To believe I didn't care.

The fault is my own.

I've ignored

Taken advantage of

Taken for granted

Forgotten to cherish

the precious being that is you

We exist in a different world, you and I,

We're not quite like the rest of them.

We are together, always (itsumo)
And so,

I love you
I'm sorry.

Trust

image found here

Trust: one of the most difficult tasks for human beings to master. Maybe for some people trust comes naturally, or to some it might even seem ridiculous of me to suggest that it doesn't, but for me being asked to trust someone is like being asked to stick my hand through the bars of a lion's cage. Um, NO THANKS, I'd rather keep my appendages please.

The truth of the matter is - trust can be tricky because trusting involves one key ingredient that I (and others?) are most reluctant to provide: vulnerability. To put full trust in someone is to allow them to have power over you; but when you are open (aka vulnerable), you make space for trust to move in. To allow others to see your small, cracked, imperfect, untamed sides is to trust them enough that they won't kick you when you’re down, won't take advantage of your weaknesses.

What makes this essential vulnerability so difficult for me personally is that I already feel vulnerable just existing in the presence of other people. I squirm under their gazes, tremble at any hint of nearness, shudder at thoughts of how they could hurt me. Allowing trust to slip in is a terrifying objective, I'd feel like a baby wandering into a cave of hungry wolves.

It takes so much courage to remove the layers of strength we all hide behind, but revealing our true selves to others is truly what trust is all about. If we do allow others behind our false guards, it could be an extremely rewarding experience, but we could also get hurt. Sometimes both.

But I want to believe that the times people come through for me when I open up outweigh the times when I am hurt or let down. I'd like to believe that trusting and being open, surrendered, is the best way to live. I want to let go of all the fears I have that keep me from being who I actually am. I want to learn to trust.

I'm No Angel But I'm Alright

I feel like you think I'm better than I am.
I'm not some perfect angel.
I get mean, I bicker, I snap, I get bitchy
I irritate. I curse. I struggle with myself.
I fail God countless times. I fail at surrendering.
I get sad, lonely, needy, clingy.
I communicate at my own leisure.
I'm not responsible, I get tired, I get lazy
I dont feel like it, I procrastinate, I constantly feel left out.
I'm scared of nearly everything.

But I have a good soul, and I do want to be better.
I'm always trying hard. I want what's best for me & you & the world
I wish everyone loved everyone. I frequently kiss babies and snuggle dogs,
I gush profusely in baby-talk to both.
I'm childlike and sweet and sometimes naive
I refuse to dabble with alcohol, drugs, or innapropriate behavior.
I love God and want to be closer
I care about the environment and believe in everyone doing what they can.
I'm a unique being with creativity bubbling through my veins
I am defensively loyal. I can be ridiculously funny.
Even if I can't do much, I always wish I could help
I adore hugs like nobody's business.

Posting this because I'm reckless and ridiculous and careless.

Baby Steps

A (Belated) Introduction

((I realize this is all quite backwards, as typically an introduction post would be written, well, first obviously, as a means of preparing the audience of what lies ahead; but oh well, I've never really been one to do things the customary way anyway. Amen to that ;D))

So here goes...

DISCLAIMER: While venturing this blog, please do so with caution, dear soul, for I do not claim to know anything about anything or to be any sort of legitimate resource for trusted information. What I can promise is that the words you will find herein are true to what I found to be the most accurate for the point in my life and frame of mind I was in at the time of their posting. I can guarantee %100 authenticity regarding my feelings on the topics I report. I can ensure the sincerity of my quest for expression, and hope that will reflect naturally in my entries. I hope this space becomes a safe corner, an outlet of creativity, a map of self discovery. I hope this blog can become a useful tool on my journey towards bettering myself and my life here on earth. I hope inner truths, secret longings, and previously ignored needs may feel free to surface unexpectedly from my depths and boldly make themselves known. I cannot, however, declare any sort of insurance for your own personal development. Of course I wish you well dear one, but the language that nourishes me may not be the same as the one which nourishes you. For these words are provided for my own benefit in mind - I have not yet reached that magical peak in writing when one's words are no longer selfish prattling into the universe's ear, but rather, valuable wisdom which may be of use to others beyond oneself. Of course, if by some miraculous means you do benefit from my babbling, please, do share my sweetpea! I'm happy to have contributed.

And so, with care, feel free to proceed at your own risk. :) I love you.

~Rue, xoxo

'Scuse Me Whilst I Continue Blooming :3

If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?

(prompt from livejournal.com)

Yes yes yes! I would be, and am, SO proud of where I am right now in comparison to where I was. As a naiive twelve/thirteen year old girl I was pained in ways I couldn't even describe. Who I was, wanted to be, tried to be... all of these selves were frozen in a bitter permafrost of the heart.

Wounded by life, a chip on my shoulder and a thorn in my side - I refused to grow. As a small vulnerable bud of potential that should have been taking in the nutrients to bloom, instead I had severed my own roots; I was curled under the forest brush, hiding from the life-giving sun,  rejecting the nourishing rain poured over my foliage from caring sources. I shriveled under the pressure and pain and prospect of feelings. Life was a burden.

At the time I never thought that I would overcome those feelings, I thought they would destroy me. I was so focused on the cold wind blowing through the cracks in my heart and ego that I couldn't even summon enough courage and energy to pick myself up off the floor. I couldn't find the light.

I didn't have any strength of heart or spirit or body, but I did have one small lump of hope that I was somehow able to muster; hope was the one thing that was never fully extinguished in me. I held fast to that tiny glowing spark inside me and slowly cultivated it - I cocooned myself for about five years until I'd manifested enough light to power my soul into action. I set upon the work of fixing and tuning all my broken parts, all the little pieces that refused to let me work as a  whole.

Somehow - 'somehow', because I can barely believe it myself - I finally began to bloom. With the combination of reaching out, tirelessly feeding my soul, never ever fully losing hope, and releasing creativity into the world, I was able to unfold petal after petal from my blossoming self.

I'm still fighting to bloom today - there are still petals to unfurl, but I still have my hope and I've acquired more than just that along the way: I've learned hurt, trust, love, pain, feeling, hiding, growing, being, invisibility, radiance, adoration, humiliation, laughter, sadness, tears, secrets, waking, living, breathing, sleeping, needing, wanting, and so much more. And it's all beautiful; good and bad. I'm blooming into the reality of life. And twelve year old me certainly approves.

Prompt: What Made Them All Fall Down?

Title: Getting Back Up
Chapters: Oneshot
Rating: PG(?)
Warnings: smoking
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing(s): Aoi x Uruha (the GazettE)
Summery:
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, however all characters therein are living people and owned by themselves
Author's Note: I have a big grudge against typos and mispellings so let me know if you spot any!! =)
Cross posted: coming soon to LJ

Eventually, everyone falls, Yuu thought; what a desolate thing. He gazed lazily out at the smoky city which he contributed to the daily destruction of with the white stick between his full lips. It's all so sad. This life.

Yuu's tired eyes went in and out of focus, blurry from the smoke, his exhaustion, his despair. His messy raven hair fell foreward, tufted layers spilling over his dramatic cheekbones as he leaned his elbows on the railing in front of him. He was tired of pretending.

What is strength? He thought. True strength. His heart weighed heavily and seemed to occupy his whole body; the ache spread to even his fingertips.

He ached for the lack of life in his bones. He ached for a nameless source that would breathe life back into his fading existance. Well now, that wasn't quite true. The source he thirsted for did have a name.

Kouyou.

Yuu anticipated the swooning sigh even before it swept through his body. Kouyou. Oh God. Just thinking of the other man's beloved name - Yuu's body filled with sweet aching light. His weak heart trembled in his chest from both delight and sadness equally.

What do you do, he thought, when you're out there in this crumbling world, Kouyou? Have you fallen too? Who are you when you're not a rock star?

Yuu's heart felt heavy again. The truth was, his pondering was justified - Kouyou never seemed to allow Yuu into his private world. Only the realm of guitars and fake faces and audience-appeasing answers. Then again, it wasn't as if Yuu himself had been particularly open to his bandmates either. But still...

Cre~eak.

Yuu tensed. Leave me alone. He didn't feel like explaining his long absence from practice to Yutaka's large concerned eyes that knew too much. Oh that's right, no privacy allowed for you, rockstar. He thought bitterly.

But it was not the pitying gaze of his band leader that met Yuu when he turned around. It was--

"Hey. Watcha up to?" The fluffy mass of Kouyou's long honey hair spilled around him per usual as he peeked around the corner of the door at Yuu, "can I join you?"

Yuu forgot how to breath. "Uh... sure, yeah. Of course. I'm smoking though."

"That's okay. Everyone still smokes around me," Kouyou brushed the statement aside cheerfully.

Yuu watched Kouyou's long figure come over to lean beside him on the rail. He considered what it must feel like for Kouyou to have lungs no longer burdened by black tar, how freeing it must be to not be slave to constant cravings, and to not have to depend on a stick of manufactured poison to calm your nerves.

Yuu was practically tingling with the other's closeness, yet he still wished he could move even closer - perhaps deep into the large warm heart beating in Kouyou's chest would finally be close enough for Yuu. He wanted wanted - needed - Kouyou.

Kouyou's mahogany eyes observed Yuu's deep faraway gaze. He rested his chin on his hands, lips curling into a little smile at Yuu's apparent daydreaming. Yuu never saw the way Kouyou's eyes took in nearly his every detail, the way they would squint tenderly at him one second, and seem to smolder with some secret knowledge the next.

"What are you thinking about?" Kouyou asked gently.

Yuu looked up, surprised, as if he hadn't expected to hear the other's voice.

"I was thinking about... falling. How everyone falls at some point." Yuu dropped his gaze and waited for what Kouyou would say to his strange and depressing thoughts. 

"Hmm... falling, huh? You're right. Everyone does fall. Into darkness or ruin or sin. It's humanity."

Yuu looked unbelieving at Kouyou, "Even you?" he near whispered.

The air seemed to still for a moment, then Kouyou chuckled a little. "Of course. I'm human aren't I?"

Yuu's heart fell, and he looked out into the dirty air choking the city. The blackness matched his mood.

"Why?" he said after a little while.

"Hm?" Kouyou turned to him, a look of soft inquiry on his face.

"Why does everyone have to suffer? What makes them all fall down?"

Yuu felt his eyes begin to sting in the corners. He willed the moisture away, but not before a rebel drop escaped and slid down his cheek, dripping onto his hand.

Kouyou did not miss the pearly offender's trail down his bandmates cheek. Before Yuu could make any embaressed excuses, Kouyou's large palm covered the spot of wetness on the back of Yuu's hand. The warmth of Kouyou's hand seeped through his skin into Yuu's bone-chilled fingers, and the tear splotch dried immediatly.

"Yuu... it doesn't matter what made them fall. What counts is that they get back up. People can learn to stand again." Kouyou patted Yuu's hand meaningfully. "I'll see you inside okay?"

"O...kay." Yuu watched Kouyou retreating back numbly. The way Kouyou had said 'people' made Yuu feel like Kouyou wasn't really talking about 'people' at all, but rather, a specific person. He wondered if Kouyou was really as clueless as Akira and the others constantly teased him of being.

But Kouyou had been right, Yuu thought. Even if everyone does fall eventually, people can always get back up again.

Yuu blew a final puff of smoke, silently appologizing to the city's smoggy skies, and followed Kouyou's path back inside to rejoin life.